


Closer

by steviecore



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Bucky Barnes Feels, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Death, Negative Thoughts, Whump, im shit at tagging soooo yeah enjoy this, like a lot, this is very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 07:07:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21249401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steviecore/pseuds/steviecore
Summary: Bucky wondered if he was dying.





	Closer

**Author's Note:**

> i!! wanted to cry while writing this so-- hh-- this is the first completed fic ive gotten out of myself in like- idk a year? im sorry if there are some typos or any other errors- im doing my absolute best.  
anyways  
please leave feedback if you enjoyed it! i know its not that long but i needed to get this idea out 
> 
> ( i listened to a bunch of songs but mainly the song closer by kings of leon so yeah)

Bucky wondered if he was dying.

He's been to that dark place. More times than he can count. He's fallen out of a train car, helplessly drunk on fear as he fell to his death. He saw Steve and that was it.

_ Stevie honey , I'm so fucking sorry. I love you._

He's been dead for decades before too. Bucky has been in the hazy dark, the kind that swallows you up and is so thick. The kind where you're aware of the afterlife. He was used, cold, then put away for safekeeping, even colder. Freezing, he would think to himself. That death was even deeper than the last, there wasn't a rope hanging down the rabbit hole. No one was going to save him, to pump his chest full of air until he saw light. Saw that blue hospital light, or maybe the vermilion and citrus sun, not even the light of a lamp.

He was gone. 

At some point during his eternity, a hand reached out and Bucky desperately grabbed it. He didn't know what he needed or why he had to grab, to reach out. But he did. That hand grasped tight and ripped him from that hard chair. It ripped him away from those weapons and those blurry faces. It cradled him and smelt and felt so familiar. But he was so far gone, then.

He died a third time too, just slipped away. He felt himself suddenly grow cold, go back to that cold place. His eye sight was slipping and he panicked. _Steve, Steve. Steve! _ Bucky's eyes narrowed and he saw Steve, he saw him and cursed himself. He was scared. _Please god, someone, don't let him see me weak. _He took one step and instead of hitting that hard ground. Instead of having the wind knocked out of his lungs, he just, floated. It was a terrible feeling. To experience what it's like to melt, to turn into nothing. Bucky thought of Steve's painful expression. He stopped thinking.

People who are alive couldn't possibly know what it feels like to die. They don't know what it feels like to become helpless, willing to comply, cold. Like you're trying to see how long you can hold your breath before your nose goes blue. Bucky hadn't been alive for a long time. But he was trying so hard, so so hard. He was trying to get back, trying to see that light again. But all of his progress seemed to mean nothing in this moment. Bucky briefly wondered if the feeling in his gut is a part of his soul slipping away. Maybe it's leaving him.

He's cheated death, once, twice before. Three. But this was a whole different kind of death. 

-

-

Bucky leaned into the warm embrace, breathing it in and taking in every part of it into himself. Steve was hugging him like he always did, thick arms digging into Bucky's clothed ribbed, bringing him impossibly close. Bucky prayed to whatever he could think of, if not god then something. Maybe it was his past self, maybe it was Sarah Rogers. _Don't let him know that I'm dying. Keep me strong just this once. If he is supposed to be stronger, mind and body, just let me be strong in this moment. _Buck thought to himself that if he hugged tight enough and showed enough teeth that maybe- maybe his Stevie wouldn't feel how tense he was; or even how deep his canine's were grinding into his shivering lip. 

" Its gonna be okay, Buck."

Bucky opened his mouth to speak. He couldn't. When Steve pulled back, Bucky all but smiled. He smiled because that's what he was supposed to do. Steve was always so much stronger. Skin and bones, asthma and all, he was always stronger than Bucky. Bucky knew that. But at least he could smile to let himself know that it was okay. At least he could keep the illusion that he wasn't dead. If not to anyone else then to himself.

-

-

Bucky stood back, not that keen to get involved with science or even the thought of it. There were lots of things he could list that tired him out now. Things that left his head throbbing with regret. He didn't want to think about this. He didn't want to think about it. He knew that if he did then he'd run. He'd run and pull Steve back to him, hold him in his arms until the kid- the man flooded into him. Then, and only then, would Buck not have to worry about him doing this.

He watched as Steve stood tall, sharp and gazing off into the distance. It was contrasting to Buck in every way. Steve held his lips firmly shut while Buck was steadying a pout. Steve stood like a soldier, so proud and honorable. Bucky was boneless, like he could just fall into a mattress and become one with it. 

He watched as the machine took Steve back- way back. Back further than any of them even thought through properly. Buck knew. Bucky knew exactly what he was doing. He observed Steve disappear and heard Bruce's distant counting

5

_Don't do this. Don't fucking do it. Don't you dare do it, you little punk. I swear to god i will knock that damn serum out of you. _

_4_

Bucky blinked furiously. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. His hands dug into his pockets, so deep, pricking at the inside seams. His eyes darted to Sam momentarily, he had no clue. He didn't know Steve like Buck did. He didn't know that even while bird boned- he'd make the stupidest decision imaginable. Bucky wanted to tell him to have two coffins ready. Steve was dragging Bucky right down with him.

3

_Right down to my death._

2

Bucky's chants grew loud in his ears, ringing, he ground his teeth and held his feet firm to the green floor. He almost caught himself mumbling a threat, but bit it back. He's not going to break. Bucky knows himself damn it. He can stay strong. He knows he can. But he'd be a liar and a fool to not admit that this wasn't the worst death of them all. Nothing could top this. Bucky had felt the panic, he'd felt the anger, the rage, the numb. But as he stood there looking up at that machine he thought to himself

1

_This is it. The end of the line._

-

-

He pried his eyes when he heard that single digit, glaring up at that mechanism and sure enough. He curled his toes. Steve wasn't there. He shut his eyes, glued them shut. He shut them as if - if he did it hard enough maybe the death would take him quick. Maybe it wouldn't have him watch. Maybe it wouldn't make him sit there while it tore his arm off, punched him in the gut, beat him, made him bloody. If he pretended he wasn't dying, maybe he wouldn't disintegrate. If he ignored Sam's angry tone and Bruce's worried gestures, he wouldn't have to watch the one person he trusted most fucking leave him.

Bucky forced his eyes open once again. He squinted off into the distance and gave a defiant grin, he was in utter disbelief. Soon, the disbelief turned to mourning, then back again. He wouldn't cry. He made his stone legs move forward, feeling the grass brush against his pants. 

" Sam."

_This is the end of the line._


End file.
